Have you ever been sitting with your friends and maybe having a few drinks, and someone asks the group, "If you could go back in time, where would you go?" The answers always seem to be the same. You have a few that want to know who really shot JFK. Some patriots may want to stop the events of 9/11, while some religious people may want to go back and see Jesus. Well about three days ago, my answer changed forever. I, at one time, would consider myself in the JFK group, but now if I had the power to go back, I would travel back to around 2008 when Derek Franson wrote this horse shit "film" and slap the pen out of his hand, or throw his laptop out the window. I really do not know what to say except this film sucks.
What is the movie about you ask? Okay, I do not even have the patience or desire to write my own description because it would go something like "some ugly bitch got a tattoo that took over her body and she did not wear a lot of clothes." Here is how IMDB describes it: "A lonely young woman's desperate need for emotional and sexual companionship draws her into a surreal and ultimately destructive relationship with a shifting and whispering tattoo she has willed to life on her skin." Yep, that is it. Someone actually wrote a screenplay with that plot, but not only that, someone or some studio put up millions of dollars to create this shit fest.
I will admit that the movie lost my attention in the first ten minutes. I don't know if it was because it was 12:00 am when I started it, or the fact that it was just that bad. Actually, it IS just that bad. I never start a movie before 10:00 pm so the time has nothing to do with my opinion of this garbage. it was so bad that I only remember one scene. I do not even know what was going on, I think that tattoo was raping the girl, or maybe it was Derek Franson raping me.
I know I did not go into much detail in this review, but I really just do not want to. The movie Comforting Skin may be the worst film I have ever watched, and the only comforting I got was when the end credits rolled.
I give this movie a big up yours, and Derek Franson owes me a new cleaver.
I don't even know where to begin with this one. I think from now on I'll actually include a quick premise for your benefit. This movie is about a mentally unstable girl who gets a tattoo and the tattoo begins taking over her mind and actions. There ya go. I've said before that I don't do fine details, overly hyperbolic cinema speak, or pretentious language, so I'll do my best to just give a broad range of reasons why this movie ate dick so hard. The acting was bad, the character development was piss poor (I don't ask for much, but at LEAST give me SOME idea why people are who they are.....what purpose do they serve? So simple), and the writing just seems so disconnected. Like, the writer had a great idea in his head, but then it was put on paper and ended up like a fucking soup sandwich. I guess that's why there was so much nudity? Total dude move. "Oh man...this movie is gonna be such a shitshow...I better add in gratuitous (albeit gross) titties and 'gina."
The only rational explanation why this movie sucked so bad and in so many ways is that it possibly took place in Ohio. Or maybe the actors are all from Ohio. Somehow Ohio has to be related.
Given that this movie MUST have taken place in Cleveland, I can't even give it a cleaver rating. I think it fucking owes ME a cleaver....into my ballsack. If I imagine, just for a MOMENT, that the movie is Canadian, I can give it 1 cleaver with a side of poutine. Why, you ask? Well, at least Canada gave us the fuckin' Ginger Snaps Trilogy.
You don't need to see this movie. I mean, you CAN, but I don't want to hear any smack talk if you do. You were warned.
Oh, here's the link to the movie info!
Well, I don't get into technical aspects, movie jargon, or bullshit details. I basically just get into "Was this movie worth a shit or not?" It was not. Despite little hints of originality sprinkled throughout, there just wasn't a payoff. At least, not one that was feasible enough or even relevant to the story or backstory (of which there was none). I don't even mind the found footage subgenre, though some will swear that it's generally hard to watch or follow odd angles. I'm good with it. I'm just not good with found footage when it's total ass-garbage. There's also seemingly no connection at all between any of the 3 main characters, and the only part that was mildly entertaining was the stupid, hopeless, dipshit clown that lives with his mom. I'd imagine that some people would contend that the entire movie is validated by its ability to build on suspense and the impending sense of disaster at the end, but even that comes cheaply and half-assed. The ending offers no payoff unless you consider the payoff you sitting on your ass wondering "What fucking sense did THAT make?!" If you absolutely have nothing better to do, then watch it...if for no other reason than to say "Oh man...Bruce was totally right!"
I give this movie 2 out of 5 cleavers, which is just another way of saying I liken it to a theater with a sticky floor and there are 3 annoying bitches yapping to each behind you.
Oh yeah, so this might be helpful. Since pretty much neither Bob nor I discuss actual plot of storyline, here's the imdb link to the movie!
Over the last decade or so, I have become tired of the home video/found footage films. The Blair Witch Project, although it was not technically the first of its kind, was the first to make a major splash on the big screen. Since that time, many film makers have followed suit trying to be the next great one. While most of them suck in my opinion, there have been a couple that I enjoyed, and one that comes to mind is the original Paranormal Activity. The other three or four can kiss my ass, because they were steaming piles of horse shit, but the original is still one of my top five horror flicks ever made. With that said, I was very skeptical to check out this latest film Mockingbird. I was recommended this by a friend who has nearly the same taste as I do, so I figured what the hell. So just the other night, after eating a Digorno's pizza, I fired up the Netflix instant and searched for this film. Before even starting it, I got excited. I see a clown, and I also see that it was written and directed by Bryan Bertino, who in case you did not know, brought us the film The Strangers. So I started the movie and within the first two minutes I got that "oh shit" moment. I was feeling good and I was ready for a roller coaster of emotions to hit me. Well, after the first two minutes, the movie slows down the pace. It sets the tone and it also sets up the characters of this film. Although none of the characters had much depth to them (with the exception of The Clown), I guess it was necessary to waste 20-25 minutes of my life. As the film continued, I found myself asking many questions as to the decision making of the characters, but just like them, I also compromised and went along for the ride. As for the clown, it was nothing like I expected when I saw the poster for the film. The clown in this case, is one of the characters being dragged along in this sinister game. Once the "game" gets rolling, and shit starts going down, I am feeling it. I am digging this movie. Of course, like every other horror movie buff, I am sitting and trying to figure out the twist before the movie ends. Let me go ahead and tell you, do not even try. There are bits and pieces you may put together, but NO ONE will ever predict the actual outcome. Which leads me to the end. After an hour and a half of build up and pretty decent suspense, we have the ending. I am not a spoiler, so I will let you all watch this film for yourself to catch the cliffhanger, or whatever the fuck you call it. I will just say this in closing....I give the movie itself 3 out of 5 cleavers, but the ending I give four ass rapings in a Mexican prison.